A Different Realm

"I seem to stand outside the realm of God's mercy." 
-- John Cheever

I can so relate! This quote has stayed with me for decades. I have a bookcase devoted to writers and poets, along with their journals and notebooks. I love reading their journals and seeing inside their heads. Those journals fascinate me. It surprises me sometimes to see that these favorite writers and poets that I admired so much struggled with a lot of the same pain and insecurities that I do. Sometimes when I come across a line that stays with me I'll write it down in a notebook I keep. From time to time I'll look it over and it gives me ideas for my art or it will give me my own starting points to write about.  

I woke up this morning and just had to paint. Had to. I haven't felt this strong an urge to get to the canvas in a long time. I tossed and turned last night with so many thoughts in my head. So I was surprised I was driven to the studio so early. Cheever's quote kept coming to me all night and I dreamed strange dreams intertwined with that theme. Dreams about childhood and all the crap that was hammered in my head. Without going into gory details, suffice it to say that my Dad has always made it quite clear that no matter what I do I am never going to measure up to his expectations. So I feel quite at home with Cheever on his thoughts.

On my Dad's last visit we had another terrible argument. We've always had an antagonistic relationship ever since I was a teen. I think it's the Taurus in me. ;) Mom used to always act as the buffer. Since she's been gone, I've tried to make more of an effort to be, I don't know, more civil. So I was trying to point out some of the good things I've done: being the only one of five children to graduate from a university, made it on my own without ever asking him for a dime, done pretty darn well for myself, etc.  

All I got in response was more of the same disappointment, blah blah blah. So, thinking over all of this, I realize I am never going to please him. And thanks to a very dear, very wise friend (thank you, David!) I am reminded that you can't please other people; only yourself. You do the best you can and you go on.

So, fast forward to this morning. I'm painting away and end up with this painting: I call it A Different Realm. In this realm there is room for mercy. For everyone. ;)

Working Through It

This Gentle Surgery



Once more the black blade of a morning breeze

glides almost too easily through me,

and from the scuffle I've been sutured to

some flap of me is freed: I am severed

like a simile: an honest tenor

trembling toward the vehicle I mean

to be: a blackbird licking half notes

from the muscled, sap-damp branches

of the sugar maple tree... though I am still

a part of any part of every particle

of me, though I'll be softly reconstructed

by the white gloves of metonymy,

I grieve: there is no feeling in a cut

that doesn't heal a bit too much.

by Malachi Black

Just doing a bit more journal work. I can't seem to do much to please some people this week. Trying to work through it.  ;)

Ride A Painted Pony

In the painting course I'm taking we are not supposed to give away too much about the content. So, let's just say we are doing a little work with our inner child. One thing I loved, loved, loved as a child was going to the county fair. I loved to ride the carousel. That was my favorite ride. (Well, that and the Tilt-A-Whirl, but that's another story).

I would love to walk around the ride and very carefully pick out my favorite horse and my Mom would lift me up and place me on it. Then I would make her leave the ride and stand where I could see her, off to the side, and wait for me until the ride was over. I would just hug the horse's neck, giddy with joy, listening to that magical music anticipating when the ride would start.

So we are channeling that little girl again this week in our painting exercises. While I had a little of that magic still in me, I decided to do this little digital piece. My friend Kimmie provided a starter image of the girl in a pink dress. In Kimmie's image, the girl is walking in a field of green grass. We were told to put her in any world we wished. So I put her on a carousel pony and had her look back, just for a little while, to a magical world where she's a little girl again and her Mom is still standing a few feet away laughing, watching over her, and she knows she is safe and loved and there's not a care in the world.

Wild Geese: A Journal Page

I've been working a lot more in my art journal lately. This morning I opened to this background that I had painted yesterday. If you could look into my soul right now, these would be the colors you'd see. When I woke up, I had this poem on my mind. It's one of my all time favorites: "Wild Geese," by Mary Oliver. I remember the first time I read it. It was like someone literally woke me up from a stupor. The first five lines really hit home. After being raised with quite the opposite message, this was a lifesaver. I adore this poem and have it posted above my art table. If you click on the photo you can get a better view of the poem. This is just where I am today...

And The Music Plays On

Sometimes solutions aren't so simple

Sometimes goodbye's the only way

And the sun will set for you

The sun will set for you

And the shadow of the day

Will embrace the world in gray

And the sun will set for you

So I'm obsessed with music lately. These are lyrics from "Shadow of The Day," one of my favorite songs from Linkin Park. Do you ever get a song in your head and it just won't leave? This one has stayed with me for days. But I really love it so it's okay that it's playing over and over. And maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm also playing it repeatedly on my iPod while I write or work in my art journal.   ;)

I'm still trying to adjust to a regular schedule now that I'm home from my trip. I'm also trying to get my emotions back on track. So listening to music, thinking about a lot I left behind leaves me sad. I need to move on and rejoin the here and now.

I knew I'd be feeling like this when I returned and I was hoping I could find a distraction. I didn't really plan it quite this close but I'm taking an online painting course. The first week happened to fall while I was away so I'm already a week behind. But this will make me focus. I thought it sounded like a great class. It's called Paint Free and it's taught by Wyanne. She wants to help you develop your unique painting style; not one that mimics someone else. Well, we shall see what develops! Stay tuned.

That's one of the things I do like about digital art. It's nice to do in Photoshop what I wish I could do with paint and brush. So if I could paint properly, I'd do a piece like the digital one above.  ;)  I did happen to stop at a real, bricks and mortar DickBlick Art Supply store while in Columbus. Ooh, I found some yummy encaustic paints that I had not seen in their catalog. Yep, I grabbed them up and now I'm trying to decide what to paint with them. So, I'm thinking all of this through. I'm sure something will come to me and I'll be back to "normal" soon.



Fear of Flying

I'm back home from my trip. Got a late start on the road Sunday due to my procrastinating. Eventually I had to just get in the car and go. We both had tears in our eyes as we hugged and said goodbye.  :(   But I have another visit planned for sometime early December. So that is something to look forward to.

I wish I could travel more. I mean really travel. There is an encaustic workshop planned for this summer that I really would love to attend. It has the best teachers lined up, some of my very good online buddies are attending, all of the incentive in the world to go. Except...it's in Oregon. And I'm in Indiana. So I'd have to fly. That means an airplane. I'm already having a panic attack just thinking about it.

I have flown before. It wasn't pretty. My first time was with my husband. I figured that would be okay. It was a short flight from Columbus to Madison, WI. No biggie. We didn't even have to change planes. He didn't think it was a good idea that I insisted on a window seat. But I didn't want the aisle; plus I couldn't help myself. I had to look out the window. So we're flying along, me with both hands glued to the armrests. He kept trying to talk to me but I just kept trying to remember to breathe. Then it got bumpy. The plane would jump, then fall.

That did it. I started to panic. I looked at him and he had this horrified look on his face. "Are you crying?" he asked. Well, yeah! I was terrified. Who knew you would be flopping around in the air like that? He kept saying it was fine. It was just turbulence. No, it was not fine! It was a nightmare. I just closed my eyes. The flight attendant came by. He assured her it was okay; that it was my first time flying. It was humiliating (for both of us). And this was a short flight. The only thing I could think of (besides falling out of the sky) was that we'd have to do this again on the trip home. I could not believe he had talked me into this.

So, fast forward to a few summers ago. He was going to London for a business trip. All my life, the one thing I've always wanted to do was visit London. He asked if I wanted to go because I would need to get a passport and make a lot of preparations beforehand. Well of course I wanted to go. But I knew I wasn't going to. No way was I going to be able to endure an international flight. Because that would incorporate my other fear: water! That would mean flying over water. Just give me my heart attack now and get it over with.

I think he was actually relieved when I told him no. So he went on and I stayed home beating myself up. He would call, describing all of the places I'd never see. At least I have the photos. But of course it's not the same. He is planning another trip back there in a few years. Maybe I'll figure out a way to get there yet. But I digress... This encaustic workshop would be such a great time and I would learn so much.

I am so hampered by my fears. Not just the flying but others, as well. And all of the rationalizing doesn't help. You know, when people say "Oh, it's the safest way to travel...blah, blah, blah." My friend and I were talking about this during my visit. She asked what, specifically, about flying scared me so much. I said it was the crashing and burning part. "So I guess I'm really afraid of dying," I said. Hmm... The conversation took a different turn there. That meant another bottle of wine and then we got sidetracked.

So, I'm getting advice from everyone: from different drugs to take to getting liquored up, and everything in between. I'm not sure how those would work out since I'd be travelling alone. But I'll sort it all out and see what I can come up with.

The art piece at the top is a combination of a few of my art papers that I merged together in Photoshop and then printed out onto silk. I LIKE! :) When I think about my fears, these colors came to mind, and this piece is what I came up with. I only wish it were this easy to get rid of them!

Impressions

This is one of the few posts that I don't have a photo to accompany it. I'm still on my vacation and I'm using my friend's computer. I'm on my own for a little while today so I'm taking advantage of the time to work in my art journal a little bit. I brought along a few supplies for background pages and played with those this morning.

I've been working more in my writing journal. I think it's all of the memories bombarding me as a result of being back in Columbus. Ooh it's nice being here again! Although I was surprised that I've actually gotten lost a few times driving around. I've never had a very good sense of direction but, in my defense, the city has grown. Yes, some people would say Columbus is not that big of a city but to me it's just the right size. I'm soaking it in!

My friend and I are having the best time. We are staying up way too late, sleeping in, laughing until we cry... and this is going on every day. It's so therapeutic. Every now and then I'll be struck by something she says when she describes me. It's like she's talking about someone else. I'll file that thought away and we'll move on. One night she was on the phone with another friend and I overheard her talking about our visit (I swear I was not eavesdropping!) and she was describing the different contradictions about me. They were all very complimentary but I thought they were funny as seen through her eyes.

I've been writing this morning and thinking over a few of these impressions. I guess it's true that I see myself a certain way and my friend sees other sides of me that I really am not even aware of. But I notice when I describe some of the contradictions in her personality she has the same reaction, so maybe it's just that we know each other so well. We often finish each other's sentences and can even tell what the other is thinking by just a look. Yes, we have been very close friends for many years.

Today I'm taking my camera out and hoping to get some photos of the city and the surrounding area. It's nice and chilly outside, the way I like it. I packed all of these fuzzy warm sweaters and jackets and when I got here it was 75 to 80 degrees everyday.  :(   Now the weather is starting to cooperate!

I'm itching to make some art! When I get back home I'll be able to let loose in the studio. I am gathering all of these impressions in my various journals and I can maybe pull them together in some art pieces when I return home. Right now I'm still enjoying my friends, these crazy hours we're keeping and a few more days of just breathing it all in.

Surrendering To Dreams

Little Diary of Getting Old: VIII

And then at night, when old,

we start having vague pointless

scraps of dreams that lead us

to this place or that, since even

our failing senses insist on

outings: and lost friends reappear,

sleepwalking through the stupor

of surrendered existence...

Carlo Betocchi

Translated from the Italian by Geoffrey Brock

This is part of a poem that really took my breath away as I read it. I go through phases where I seem to be having these dreams that are so real. They usually involve my Mom. In them I know she's dead but there she is sitting there talking to me, looking like she always did. Those are the toughest ones. 

And she has been in my dreams almost every night. They are not really about her; she's just in them. I think it's because I'm leaving today to go for a week's visit back home. Well, not home, really. Back to Ohio. I'm visiting my closest friend who I haven't seen in nearly five years. We get to have a week of just "girl time". She's got lots of crazy things planned, old friends I'll be reunited with. This will be good!

But driving the four hours to Ohio, all the grief always comes back. It has been six years now since Mom's been gone. Some days it still feels like a hammer hits me in the stomach, taking my breath away. And I realize all over again that I've lost her. And so I try to put on a brave front and smile for my friend. Her mother just turned 92 and lives near her. She sees her everyday and they are still very close. I try not to wonder why my mother was taken at age 64 every time I see someone else with their mother.

So in my dreams, lately, my mother is just on the periphery. She's there but not really participating. She's just with me, I guess; a presence. I painted this little piece with that in mind. The girl represents me and the glow around her is the love and warmth of a mother that never leaves. Now I can head off on my trip in a better frame of mind. Maybe with a little extra presence with me to keep me company during my drive. 



Light and Dark: Two Journal Pages

I am doing a lot of playing in my art journals lately. Maybe it's because the prompts are making my Muse happy! The top spread is from the latest prompt in the Journal Journey group: "the darkness". Yay! Loved that prompt! I sketched the face and then added the body (minus the head) from a fashion magazine.

The background on the facing page is a piece of CitraSolv paper I had in my stash that I added some Caran d'Ache Neocolor II crayons to. I didn't know how well the CitraSolv paper would take to the crayons and the water but I was surprised at how well it held up to the addition of both. Good to know for future reference!

The words are from the song "Monsters" by Hurricane Bells. LOVE that song! Ooh, I had so much fun with this prompt. I would love to make a little family of these ghoulish people!  ;) I've had this Moleskine journal laying around for ages and forgot how much abuse you can give the pages. So I plan on using it a lot more!

This next page is in response to the free class I'm taking from Tam at her Ning network. Click on the button in my sidebar called Art, Heart and Healing for the info. You can join anytime and it's jam packed full of cool journaling techniques. She's incredibly generous to offer so much content for free. Check out her site. The first class alone covers how to draw a stylized portrait, paint it, and painting and collaging a journal background. And, if that wasn't enough, she talks about healing in your life and ways to journal about that. And that's just what's covered in the first week! Did I mention this is a FREE course? The generosity of some artists is just mind-boggling. So wonderful and refreshing!

So here is my girl for the first week. She's decided to be positive and go out and make music and dream dreams! I've used this quote before in my art because I just love it.

That's one of the things I love about art journals. You can play with the different sides of your emotions: the dark AND the light. You can be messy, be funny, be serious, just be YOU!

Warhol Encaustic

Here's a new twist on an old art piece I did. Remember my Warhol collage? This was the one I did with the Citra Solv papers (and it won their contest!). Here is the original on canvas:

I've been reading about applying encaustics over habotai silk and have been wanting to give it a try. So I made a copy of this collage onto a sheet of habotai silk and then applied that to a 12" x 12" Claybord that had two coats of encaustic gesso on it. Then I painted different layers of encaustic paints and medium over the silk. Worked like a dream. Oh, I love the possibilities of painting over the silk in the future...

So if you know anything about Andy Warhol you know he liked to drip various things onto his canvas. We'll just leave it at that. I improvised and dripped encaustic paint onto this one. ;) LOVED how it turned out and now he's joining his twin in our living room. Hubby says enough Andy and please put something else in the living room. He prefers abstracts to paintings of actual people. We'll see...

Home Fires

This is a new encaustic painting called "Home Fires". It's 12" x 12" x 2" on cradled wood. I was intrigued with a few encaustic artists who incorporate graphite powder into their paintings. I loved that look so I wanted to give it a try. I am very excited about the possibilities with that! I also wanted to make my own stencil and use the graphite powder on that so I made a crude house stencil and then smeared the powder on my fingers and was able get the "burned" house look I wanted. Then I just covered the whole thing with encaustic medium.

I'm slowly getting used to the torch. It's a bit scary but I like how it makes the wax smooth. It can also make really cool dripping effects which I'll use in other paintings. Now I have to go prep some more boards!

Love Song

This is an art journal page I did in response to the prompt "favorite musical instrument". I chose the saxophone. I don't play any musical instruments but I've always loved jazz music and the sax. This was great timing for this prompt (It's part of the Journal Journey group at Roses on My Table.Ning). Hubby and I celebrated our 20 year wedding anniversary on October 13 and we met at a Jazz/Wine Festival.

This version of the page has some digital enhancements. I added some digital brushes (paint splatters) and the frames around the edges. I especially liked the one paint splatter that looks like a heart. The rest is all the original hand-made page. I tried drawing a saxophone but it was not pretty so I glued a photo of one onto the little jazz guy that I sketched.

It's been a wild 20 years. We've had some great times, been through some sad times but have come through it all. Here's to many, many more years together!

Like A Dream

My sister spent the past week with me and, as usual, we had so much fun together. And I was sad to see her go. We laughed a LOT and the time was just too short.

She is my technology expert so when she visits I like to take advantage of that. I upgraded to an iPod Nano while she was here. Oh I have to say I am loving that little toy. We had a lot of fun searching iTunes for old and new music to load. Someone please keep me away from that site for awhile. I could be dangerous. ;)

One thing I realized this week was how much the fantasy genre influences my art. (That is what inspired the digital piece at the beginning of this post.) We both had our Nooks and were at Barnes & Noble one day browsing the ebooks. It's funny because I never used to read any fantasy/sci fi. She was always reading that genre from the time we were teens; I never got it. Now I've totally changed my preferences and my Nook is almost full of it. Go figure. The darker, fantasy fiction really interests me now and I love the ideas it is giving me for some art pieces I'm trying to put together: emphasis on the word trying.

Speaking of trying new things: hubby agreed (reluctantly) to my using a propane torch for my encaustics! Yay! Gulp!! I love my heat gun and my tiny butane torch. But after watching Daniella Woolf and other encaustic artsists, I see the results they achieve with their torches. I knew he'd be very nervous about me handling a torch. It even sounds ridiculous writing it. But I want to get serious with the encaustics. Plus I want to attempt larger pieces. I've got all the added safety equipment needed to take this next step. So after my "lesson" with the torch tonight I'll be ready to go. Stay tuned and cross your fingers that no accidents will occur.

I've been experimenting with a really cool technique of transferring graphite drawings to encaustic. So easy! The tricky part for me is the heating afterward. Transferring the graphite is a piece of cake. I did it with no problem. Unfortunately I had my heat gun set too high for the fusing part.  And when I went to fuse the graphite to the wax it was too hot on one spot and melted that area. Grrr...... So I need to practice with that a bit more. But I love the possibilities of that technique! I don't have anything presentable to show yet.

My other pieces I talked about in the last post are still sitting there glaring at me. I haven't done anything to them yet. I'm wanting to either transfer a graphite drawing to one of them or collage something...still deciding. Maybe my torch will inspire me. Maybe I'll just set them both on fire... no, just kidding.  ;)

So that's where things stand right now. Getting ready for my "torch" lesson. This should be interesting. But he has my safety (and the house's) in mind and I'll pay close attention. Hopefully there will be something to show soon!

Listening

This is how I feel this week. Like the girl in the photo (not me). Looking out over the water... thinking... listening. I'm just a little frustrated. I've been working with my encaustics the last couple of days. I love them, I do. I just wish I were more experienced with them.

You know how you get an idea of how you want something to look? Well, I've got quite a few of those ideas in my head. But when I went to actually translate some of those ideas onto wood...I did NOT end up in my happy place! So I have three canvas panels sitting in my studio in different states of ... I don't know what. So I'm letting them rest and then I'll just listen to what they have to say to me tomorrow.

I knew I was at a stopping point today when I just started laughing. I remembered, of all things, a video that Gary Reef had posted on his Ning site a while back. He must have been having one of these days but he was handling it much better than me. He is such a great inspiration and SO funny! Anyway, he was talking about his day and then out of the blue he said something to the effect that after working all day and trying to make things fit and then re-trying to paint over things, blah blah blah...what he finally ended up with was something that looked like a big pile of doggy doo doo. Then he just laughed it off.

Well I was getting dangerously close to the doggy doo doo look and encaustic wax is not cheap so I decided to turn off the hot plate and do something productive like laundry. But I've been thinking about ways to salvage those three canvases. Of course there is always the last resort: paint the whole thing titanium white and then scrape back and see what colors show through. And that may still be my best option. I'll see what my morning walk in the cool weather with the loud music blaring in my ear buds does for my Muse.

By the way, this digital piece was made with elements from a kit called Poet's Keepsakes by Lorie Davison at Scrapbook Graphics.With a name like that I had to grab it up. It's a pretty amazing kit and at least I could do something creative today that did take me to my happy place!