Surrendering To Dreams

Little Diary of Getting Old: VIII

And then at night, when old,

we start having vague pointless

scraps of dreams that lead us

to this place or that, since even

our failing senses insist on

outings: and lost friends reappear,

sleepwalking through the stupor

of surrendered existence...

Carlo Betocchi

Translated from the Italian by Geoffrey Brock

This is part of a poem that really took my breath away as I read it. I go through phases where I seem to be having these dreams that are so real. They usually involve my Mom. In them I know she's dead but there she is sitting there talking to me, looking like she always did. Those are the toughest ones. 

And she has been in my dreams almost every night. They are not really about her; she's just in them. I think it's because I'm leaving today to go for a week's visit back home. Well, not home, really. Back to Ohio. I'm visiting my closest friend who I haven't seen in nearly five years. We get to have a week of just "girl time". She's got lots of crazy things planned, old friends I'll be reunited with. This will be good!

But driving the four hours to Ohio, all the grief always comes back. It has been six years now since Mom's been gone. Some days it still feels like a hammer hits me in the stomach, taking my breath away. And I realize all over again that I've lost her. And so I try to put on a brave front and smile for my friend. Her mother just turned 92 and lives near her. She sees her everyday and they are still very close. I try not to wonder why my mother was taken at age 64 every time I see someone else with their mother.

So in my dreams, lately, my mother is just on the periphery. She's there but not really participating. She's just with me, I guess; a presence. I painted this little piece with that in mind. The girl represents me and the glow around her is the love and warmth of a mother that never leaves. Now I can head off on my trip in a better frame of mind. Maybe with a little extra presence with me to keep me company during my drive. 



Light and Dark: Two Journal Pages

I am doing a lot of playing in my art journals lately. Maybe it's because the prompts are making my Muse happy! The top spread is from the latest prompt in the Journal Journey group: "the darkness". Yay! Loved that prompt! I sketched the face and then added the body (minus the head) from a fashion magazine.

The background on the facing page is a piece of CitraSolv paper I had in my stash that I added some Caran d'Ache Neocolor II crayons to. I didn't know how well the CitraSolv paper would take to the crayons and the water but I was surprised at how well it held up to the addition of both. Good to know for future reference!

The words are from the song "Monsters" by Hurricane Bells. LOVE that song! Ooh, I had so much fun with this prompt. I would love to make a little family of these ghoulish people!  ;) I've had this Moleskine journal laying around for ages and forgot how much abuse you can give the pages. So I plan on using it a lot more!

This next page is in response to the free class I'm taking from Tam at her Ning network. Click on the button in my sidebar called Art, Heart and Healing for the info. You can join anytime and it's jam packed full of cool journaling techniques. She's incredibly generous to offer so much content for free. Check out her site. The first class alone covers how to draw a stylized portrait, paint it, and painting and collaging a journal background. And, if that wasn't enough, she talks about healing in your life and ways to journal about that. And that's just what's covered in the first week! Did I mention this is a FREE course? The generosity of some artists is just mind-boggling. So wonderful and refreshing!

So here is my girl for the first week. She's decided to be positive and go out and make music and dream dreams! I've used this quote before in my art because I just love it.

That's one of the things I love about art journals. You can play with the different sides of your emotions: the dark AND the light. You can be messy, be funny, be serious, just be YOU!

Warhol Encaustic

Here's a new twist on an old art piece I did. Remember my Warhol collage? This was the one I did with the Citra Solv papers (and it won their contest!). Here is the original on canvas:

I've been reading about applying encaustics over habotai silk and have been wanting to give it a try. So I made a copy of this collage onto a sheet of habotai silk and then applied that to a 12" x 12" Claybord that had two coats of encaustic gesso on it. Then I painted different layers of encaustic paints and medium over the silk. Worked like a dream. Oh, I love the possibilities of painting over the silk in the future...

So if you know anything about Andy Warhol you know he liked to drip various things onto his canvas. We'll just leave it at that. I improvised and dripped encaustic paint onto this one. ;) LOVED how it turned out and now he's joining his twin in our living room. Hubby says enough Andy and please put something else in the living room. He prefers abstracts to paintings of actual people. We'll see...

Home Fires

This is a new encaustic painting called "Home Fires". It's 12" x 12" x 2" on cradled wood. I was intrigued with a few encaustic artists who incorporate graphite powder into their paintings. I loved that look so I wanted to give it a try. I am very excited about the possibilities with that! I also wanted to make my own stencil and use the graphite powder on that so I made a crude house stencil and then smeared the powder on my fingers and was able get the "burned" house look I wanted. Then I just covered the whole thing with encaustic medium.

I'm slowly getting used to the torch. It's a bit scary but I like how it makes the wax smooth. It can also make really cool dripping effects which I'll use in other paintings. Now I have to go prep some more boards!

Love Song

This is an art journal page I did in response to the prompt "favorite musical instrument". I chose the saxophone. I don't play any musical instruments but I've always loved jazz music and the sax. This was great timing for this prompt (It's part of the Journal Journey group at Roses on My Table.Ning). Hubby and I celebrated our 20 year wedding anniversary on October 13 and we met at a Jazz/Wine Festival.

This version of the page has some digital enhancements. I added some digital brushes (paint splatters) and the frames around the edges. I especially liked the one paint splatter that looks like a heart. The rest is all the original hand-made page. I tried drawing a saxophone but it was not pretty so I glued a photo of one onto the little jazz guy that I sketched.

It's been a wild 20 years. We've had some great times, been through some sad times but have come through it all. Here's to many, many more years together!

Like A Dream

My sister spent the past week with me and, as usual, we had so much fun together. And I was sad to see her go. We laughed a LOT and the time was just too short.

She is my technology expert so when she visits I like to take advantage of that. I upgraded to an iPod Nano while she was here. Oh I have to say I am loving that little toy. We had a lot of fun searching iTunes for old and new music to load. Someone please keep me away from that site for awhile. I could be dangerous. ;)

One thing I realized this week was how much the fantasy genre influences my art. (That is what inspired the digital piece at the beginning of this post.) We both had our Nooks and were at Barnes & Noble one day browsing the ebooks. It's funny because I never used to read any fantasy/sci fi. She was always reading that genre from the time we were teens; I never got it. Now I've totally changed my preferences and my Nook is almost full of it. Go figure. The darker, fantasy fiction really interests me now and I love the ideas it is giving me for some art pieces I'm trying to put together: emphasis on the word trying.

Speaking of trying new things: hubby agreed (reluctantly) to my using a propane torch for my encaustics! Yay! Gulp!! I love my heat gun and my tiny butane torch. But after watching Daniella Woolf and other encaustic artsists, I see the results they achieve with their torches. I knew he'd be very nervous about me handling a torch. It even sounds ridiculous writing it. But I want to get serious with the encaustics. Plus I want to attempt larger pieces. I've got all the added safety equipment needed to take this next step. So after my "lesson" with the torch tonight I'll be ready to go. Stay tuned and cross your fingers that no accidents will occur.

I've been experimenting with a really cool technique of transferring graphite drawings to encaustic. So easy! The tricky part for me is the heating afterward. Transferring the graphite is a piece of cake. I did it with no problem. Unfortunately I had my heat gun set too high for the fusing part.  And when I went to fuse the graphite to the wax it was too hot on one spot and melted that area. Grrr...... So I need to practice with that a bit more. But I love the possibilities of that technique! I don't have anything presentable to show yet.

My other pieces I talked about in the last post are still sitting there glaring at me. I haven't done anything to them yet. I'm wanting to either transfer a graphite drawing to one of them or collage something...still deciding. Maybe my torch will inspire me. Maybe I'll just set them both on fire... no, just kidding.  ;)

So that's where things stand right now. Getting ready for my "torch" lesson. This should be interesting. But he has my safety (and the house's) in mind and I'll pay close attention. Hopefully there will be something to show soon!

Listening

This is how I feel this week. Like the girl in the photo (not me). Looking out over the water... thinking... listening. I'm just a little frustrated. I've been working with my encaustics the last couple of days. I love them, I do. I just wish I were more experienced with them.

You know how you get an idea of how you want something to look? Well, I've got quite a few of those ideas in my head. But when I went to actually translate some of those ideas onto wood...I did NOT end up in my happy place! So I have three canvas panels sitting in my studio in different states of ... I don't know what. So I'm letting them rest and then I'll just listen to what they have to say to me tomorrow.

I knew I was at a stopping point today when I just started laughing. I remembered, of all things, a video that Gary Reef had posted on his Ning site a while back. He must have been having one of these days but he was handling it much better than me. He is such a great inspiration and SO funny! Anyway, he was talking about his day and then out of the blue he said something to the effect that after working all day and trying to make things fit and then re-trying to paint over things, blah blah blah...what he finally ended up with was something that looked like a big pile of doggy doo doo. Then he just laughed it off.

Well I was getting dangerously close to the doggy doo doo look and encaustic wax is not cheap so I decided to turn off the hot plate and do something productive like laundry. But I've been thinking about ways to salvage those three canvases. Of course there is always the last resort: paint the whole thing titanium white and then scrape back and see what colors show through. And that may still be my best option. I'll see what my morning walk in the cool weather with the loud music blaring in my ear buds does for my Muse.

By the way, this digital piece was made with elements from a kit called Poet's Keepsakes by Lorie Davison at Scrapbook Graphics.With a name like that I had to grab it up. It's a pretty amazing kit and at least I could do something creative today that did take me to my happy place!

Waxing Poetic

I made it into the studio and was able to play with my encaustics! I did manage to work on two pieces. The top piece is called "Waxing Poetic". It is 5" x 5" x 2" on cradled panel. This is totally inspired by my favorite encaustic artist, Daniella Woolf. I just received her recent book and DVD called Encaustic With a Textile Sensibility. And I highly recommend BOTH if you are into encaustics. I show the cover of the DVD at the bottom of this post and will talk a little about both in a minute.

The top piece was modeled after some of  Daniella's work. She has some phenomenal pieces where she does this exact thing. These are journal pages that have been run through the shredder. Then they are laid onto the wax and adhered with the encaustic medium. The middle strip is tissue paper with writing on it and then silk organza overlaid on top. Both are covered with a layer of encaustic medium.

The brown spots that you barely see are on the very bottom layer. Those are burn spots. I used my torch to just burn different spots randomly. I love that look. That was another of Daniella's ideas.

This next piece I call "Billboard". It is 8" x 8" x 2" on cradled panel. I love the look of old billboards that have layers and layers of paper on them. I tried to get that feel in this piece. This is many layers of encaustic paint and collage. I had some journal strips left over from the first piece and decided to use those as a border around a fabric piece of symbols I had picked up in a thrift store a while back.

Here is the cover of Daniella's DVD. The book has a different cover. These are two different items. The book is actually a wonderful collection of different encaustic artists' work and a little about each artist and their technique. It is filled with beautiful inspiration and gorgeous photographs. The DVD is full of Daniella's work and instruction on how she achieves her results. Both are totally worth the time and money. She is awesome to watch and her work is amazing. It's like sitting down and visiting with a good friend. You actually get to see her go through the steps of the techniques. I loved it!

Now that I've reacquainted myself with the hotplate and have a supply of new wax paints I am ready to start more paintings this week. The weather is cooperating: no more unbearable hot studio! So stay tuned for more wax!

Three Things: An Art Journal Page

This is a journal page I did for an art journal group I belong to online. The prompt was to use our favorite color. I picked purple. I thought it was interesting that when I went to work on this prompt a piece of paper fell out of the journal that had a poem printed on it. It was by Mary Oliver, one of my many favorite poets, and the poem was, In Blackwater Woods. These lines really spoke to me as I read the poem so I typed them up, put them on some colorful paper and pasted them onto the page.

Considering my last post, I thought this was an appropriate follow-up. And so timely! My Muse must still be working on this theme. I had forgotten that I put the poem in the journal. I had planned on using it for something else but I thought it would work for this prompt.

I liked working with the paint again. I just smeared it all over the page with my fingers. I find I am doing that more and more now, not even using any of my brushes. Then I took some scraps of CitraSolv paper that I had in my stash and glued those on, covered them with more paint and then added the word strips. The heart is made from CitraSolv paper that I cut out using a wooden heart as a template and then smeared a little paint on it after it was glued onto the page.

After I scanned this photo into Photoshop I added a few shadows here and there and then my initials but that's about it. It was fun to just "get my hands dirty" and play! And speaking of play, I am going to be able to break out the encaustics this weekend. Looks like the temps will finally be cool enough to open the windows and plug in the hot plate. Hope to have something to show by Monday!

Let Go

I put this together over the last couple of days. I think of it as a digital art journal page. This is another digital/drawing combination. I drew and colored the girl lightly with colored pencils and then scanned and painted over her in Photoshop. The rest is all Photoshop and digital kits. I call this Letting Go because this is how I love to paint when I do get out the easel and paints. Splash it on, splatter it around and let it drip. I love that look, the freedom that comes with it and all the release!

The words are lyrics from a song by Mutemath called Spotlight. This verse always gets to me. It reads: "...the one thing you're fighting to hold, will be the one thing you've got to let go" Those words are so true for so many things in life. I think you are probably still learning this lesson from the time you start to rebel as a youth, up until you die. I know I am still struggling with it at times.

But I am a stubborn person and it takes me longer to learn lessons than others. Could be the Taurus in me. ;) Regardless, these words rang true for me this week and I wanted to journal about them. I did in my written journal; for pages and pages. But then I wanted to make something visual and this is what I came up with after I drew the girl. That helps. Now I can move on to the next issue my stubborn self wants to hold on to...

Eyes On Fire

I haven't done any sketching for a long while. I have had my sketchbook and my drawing board sitting right beside me for months, glaring at me, daring me to pick them up. Hmm... Finally, yesterday I did it. I thought I'd try sketching a model from a magazine (one of my favorite things). So I got the basic things drawn in my sketchbook and then colored her in with colored pencils.

After I scanned her into Photoshop then I had fun putting her into this piece. I "painted" her some more with Photoshop and added other elements from the Stark digital kit that I mentioned from the previous post. I was listening to my iPod while working on this and "Eyes on Fire" by Blue Foundation started playing. This verse stuck with me:

Eyes on fire

Your spine is ablaze

Felling any foe with my gaze

And just in time

In the right place

Steadily emerging with grace

I especially like the first and last lines: Eyes on fire... steadily emerging with grace. And there was my lady!

I worked on this piece all morning. I guess I was pretty engrossed with it. And since the ear buds were blaring I couldn't hear if hubby was saying anything from downstairs. I noticed my phone lit up beside me on the desk. I had a text message. It was hubby: "I'm having soup...are you going to eat today?" LOL! Pretty sad when you have to text each other to talk!

Funny how you know you enjoy something and yet you don't do it. I forgot how fun it is to just play with sketching faces. I'm not perfect but I like to do it. I like to exaggerate certain features, giving them my own twist. Then I like to place the figures I draw in a really cool background and give them a story.

Now my pencils, drawing board and sketchbook aren't glaring at me anymore. We seem to be getting along just fine!

Fuzzy Feelings

I was really drawn to a couple of digital kits that I saw recently at Deviant Scrap. They can both be found there at Holliewood Studios. One was called Stark and the other was called Void. Today I started playing with the all-white images of the Stark kit.

The title for this piece came from a poem by Alice Fulton called Fuzzy Feelings and goes with my mood today. Here is the part of the poem that inspired this piece:

"Does grace mean alive and lucky

to be not writhing?

Or the ability to hide it

when you writhe?

The fissures == vacancies inside."

Some days you just go through the motions and do what you have to do. You're lucky not be writhing; or, at least you can hide it. But you do go on. I am fortunate that I have my husband, my art and my volumes of poetry and fiction to turn to in the dark times. And the dark times are not all bad. And they aren't really sad for me, just reflective right now. I'm okay with that.

So these fuzzy feelings are floating in the back of my head and I'm even doing some writing of my own. I used to write fiction and poetry years ago. I'm starting to dabble in fiction again. I went back and read some old stories I had started and never finished. I felt a little tug when I revisited the old characters and plots I had created. Now I'm playing around with their worlds again. I see it as just another form of creativity; another outlet.

I even used to write stories when I was in junior high school. My sisters would read them and then show them to their friends. They would then come back asking for more and I found myself writing mini soap operas because these girls were so involved with the characters I created. It was fun and even now one of my sisters still writes her stories. So maybe when she comes to visit again next month I will have some to trade with her!

I like how I can be inspired by poetry or music or even other images. It's funny how you don't even realize that something is inside you waiting to come forth until you see an image and it breathes life into it or a song moves you and wakes it up. Or maybe a poem evokes a fuzzy feeling that eventually manifests itself into a piece of art that is exactly what your soul would say if it had a voice.

Where I Hide

This is a digital piece I did this morning. It may seem sad but it's really not to me. Again, I was inspired by another poem of Matthew Zapruder's called, "The Artist Must Incline His Head Just So". The complete verse I quote from this piece reads:

"There is of course the question of fate,

and whether it can be angered.

Example: when not overpowered by grief

there are proper and improper ways to mourn.

In such cases my gestures are shadows

cast far from myself..."

I call this piece, "Where I Hide" because I tend to retreat into this dark area of myself when I want to think or just be alone. I like to put the ear buds in, crank up the music on the iPod and just let my imagination go. I've been getting a lot of ideas for this darker art lately. I like it and that's where my mind wants to be right now.

When I first read the complete poem it just took my breath away. So many of the verses struck a chord with me. Another one: "...Some art may be good, some dishonest." and another: "...My lack of compassion astounds me, and must not come to know itself." I've said before how much I love the poetry of Matthew Zapruder. I love it more every time I read it.

It's funny how the poetry I'm reading lately has fallen right along with my dark theme. Or maybe it's just that the poems I notice are those with this theme. Regardless, I'm loving the synchronicity. It just feeds the creative cycle.

I look at this piece and I feel like the fairy. I'm in a dark place but there's this swirling pool of mystery. I think I'll just jump in and see where it takes me...

Prelude

I think I mentioned in the last post that I've been reading a lot of poetry lately. I have found some new (to me) awesome poets out there! My favorite poet right now is Matthew Zapruder. His new book of poems is called Come On All You Ghosts. Right up my alley, huh? Of course the title alone grabbed me, with my current obsession on all things dark and ghostly, etc.

I ordered his last two books and just devoured them. There is not one bad poem in the lot. I just love his style, his words, his imagery, everything. This is why I haven't been making any art! I've been swimming in poetry; drowning in it. Here's one example of a verse that made me swoon:
It's from his poem called Poem (yes, that's the title).

"... I love your love,

it feels dispensed from a metal tap

attached to a big vat gleaming

in a giant room full of shiny whispers."

Gah! I love this verse!! So I've been dancing around reading this guy's poetry books, filling my head with his imagery. Drunk on poetry with a goofy grin on my face. Hubby thinks I'm crazy.

BUT I did manage to take another of my many favorite poems of his and make the digital piece at the top of this post. It's from his poem The Prelude. Did I say it's another of my favorites?

Here's the part of a verse that really stuck with me and inspired this piece:

"... Come to the edge

the edge beckoned softly. Take

this cup full of darkness and stay as long

as you want and maybe a little longer."

The whole poem is like that. The entire BOOK is like that. So I'm making notes and filling an entire notebook of images and ideas for my encaustics, art journal, and paintings. My class with Sharon Tomlinson and Deryn Mentock just started (the first video went up yesterday) and Monica Zuniga's class is still in the early stages. I've been slow to get back in the swing but I'm feeling the stirrings.

I've said before that, unlike most people, I feel alive in the Fall and Winter. Summer is my blah time. Heat and humidity zap me and leave me feeling down. Leaves are starting to fall a little bit here. School has started again, football is starting up...the Fall will be right around the corner. I'm awakening little by little. The temperature won't stay near 90 much longer (thank God!) and then I'll be on track.

So, this is just a prelude to the things that are to come. I can't wait to see the rest!

Here are the covers of Matthew Zapruder's last two books. If you get a chance, and are a poetry lover, they are definitely worth it: